let me play among the stars luciDELUSION

a period of recovery

To ensure that I don't send myself spiralling into depths of depression envisioning JD and his new amour having wild animal sex daily, I've set myself to a few guidelines.

1) Get involved in more getogethers.
I often miss events because I have a spectacular habit of not writing anything down.

2) Spend more time at the gym.
I jog quite a fair bit, but for me, I tend to think more when I jog alone than when I'm working out in a place full of other people and trying not to embarrass myself.

3) Play more video games.
Chii-girl says I should play Sims 2 and make characters of JD and I living together with subtle signs of mutual attraction, after which my character will fall madly in love with a handsome and young rich man and be whisked away to live happily in his beautiful luxurious mansion after a lavish wedding, leaving JD devastated and alone in an empty home. Chii-girl is scary with brilliant crafty ideas like these.

4) Watch more comedies.

5) Be more appreciative of other things in life.
Great family, great friends, great colleagues, sorta great workplace, everyone is healthy and happy, haven't had a pimple in weeks.

6) Kick JD's ass if he keeps detailing his lurid journey up to the fourth base
which he has been doing since the last entry. Because, bless his dear soul, I am apparently someone whom he thinks will be interested in hearing all about it. Oh, bitter, bitter irony.

Sunday, October 29

this is a tale of someone who got lucky.

I first got to know JD a few years back, through a cousin. We hit it off and became great friends just about right away, because we had so much in common, and could talk for hours on end. Back then, he was single, I was not. I was perfectly happy with my SO, and it felt good to have such a supportive buddy at my side.

A year later, my boyfriend moved overseas. It was hard, but we mutually agreed to end the relationship. JD was there to offer his shoulder, to listen to my woes, and made me feel better again.

I still thought of him as one of the greatest friends I had, and nothing more.

It was only when I came down with a bad fever much later, and he stopped by with takeaway food with books and dvds after he got off work, for the three evenings I was sick. I didn't even have to ask, he did it out of his own intention.

And at that moment I started to realise, Hey... he's a keeper.

As the weeks passed, I felt more drawn to him. I loved how optimistic he was; how caring he was, how he seemed to know how to make people around him feel good. And no matter how busy he was, he always seemed to be able to make time for me.

So today, I called him out for a casual lunch. We've had many meals together, but this time it would be different. I had to tell him how I felt.

I was anxious and excited. Prior to the date, I kept rehearsing ways to reveal my feelings to him. Running the words through my head again and again. JD, you mean a lot to me. JD, you're really special.

We went out for lunch. Strangely, just like me, he seemed rather nervous and edgy. We weren't our usual selves that afternoon.

Lunch, then an after-meal drink in Starbucks.

This is the time.

I opened my mouth to speak, but then he beat me to it.

"Ping.. you know I can tell you anything, right?"

My heart stopped. Did he.. did he feel the same way I did about him? Was he going make the first move?

"What is it?" I asked, trying not to sound breathless. I was already blushing with excitement.

He looked at me full in the eyes, and smiled. He always had a radiant smile.

"I've been seeing this girl, ex-schoolmate. I kinda well.. like her. A couple days ago.... we went out, and then came back to my place.... and somehow things just went.. well, you know... you know?"

He chuckled in embarrassment. "Yeah... after that we sorta made it official. I just... never felt like this before. After all this time... it's nice to finally be able to be with someone."

I sat there with my mouth open, not able to comprehend what he had just said. Staying over? You know? Did they have... ohgoditcan'tbe nonono.

JD smiled warmly, completely oblivious to the fact that my insides had just spontaneously combusted. "I had to tell you. I thought you'd like to be one of the first to know."

I wanted to scream at him. You slept with a girl before you got together? What kind of self-control do you have? What kind of girl is she, submitting so soon? Why do you want someone like her? You should have waited for me! ME! ME!

Then I remembered. JD had always stood by me through thick and thin. He never yelled at me for all the stupid things I did. He was always supportive of my choices no matter what I decided to do.

So I gathered together my wits, pieces of my shattered heart, and uttered the first words that came to my mind.

"Haha, cool!"

I, dumbass.

And thus ends the tale of a possibility that would never be.

If I wasn't hurting this damn bad, I would actually have found this whole thing funny. :(

Tuesday, February 8

and the cymbals crash!

Chinese New Year. The time when your house, so normally quiet during the year, comes alive with noise and colour. Relatives and friends come in with well-wishes and shouting with chatter, hyperactive children run around in new clothes and combed hair, parroting songs from Chinese musical specials being blared from tvs. Tasty tidbits line living-room tables in jars and lacquered containers, ready to be snacked on. At mealtimes, steaming hot delicious eight course dinners served at round red-clothed dining tables are devoured by hungry mouths. Everyone is talking. Laughing.

Never mind that after each group of guests leave, your place is littered with tidbit scraps and spills on the floor, and half-empty drink cans at the most unexpected places, e.g your bedroom. Never mind that there will be some visitors' kids who will come up brazenly to you and ask for money packets. Never mind that the same festive songs with the same festive singers play over and over on the tv and you want to turn the damn thing off, but can't because there will always be somebody plunked down on the couch in front of the box actually watching the program.

There's nothing like Chinese New Year at all.

I still wonder who was it who went into my bedroom.

Sunday, February 6

aiyahh..

Jane was supposed to come over today, but she couldn't make it because she had flu. Went to the public pool to swim, but it was being cleaned. Went to the park to jog, but it started to rain. Went to Midvalley Megamall to shop, but as today is a Sunday, and the last Sunday before Chinese New Year at that, couldn't find any parking spaces at all and had to leave. Planned to go for nice pizza dinner with family, but suddenly mum's throat was feeling dry, so ended up having fish porridge instead. All in all, today was an extremely unspectacular day.

Well, I didn't feel much like pizza, anyways..

Saturday, September 13

sunsets are nice.

Christi has got the 'flu something terrible. I think she got it from me. Maybe I shouldn't have called her out for a yamcha session in Pyramid last night. Told her to keep away from my side of the table, but she kept creeping over anyway. Stubborn lar! Stubborn lar!

Took a run around the neighbourhood this evening, as thought the fresh air might do the 'flu some good. I don't know why, but somehow during the sunset, the neighbourhood turns all quiet and serene, and the wind drops. Everything is so still and beautiful, and as you watch the reddish-orange sunlight spread over the horizon, you get this sort of calm feeling. Sunsets are really the best time of the day, for me.

Would have brought along a digicam to capture the moment, but didn't want to increase my chances of getting mugged.

Friday, September 12

sick. yuck.

I have the 'flu; it's the bug going around methinks. Ugh, scratchy throat, perpetually running nose.. it's horrible. If you can resist from getting the 'flu in an air-conditioned classroom full of people coughing, sneezing and hacking phlegm, you either gotta have a really strong immune system, or you just frequent the toilet far too many times.